To make their bullying attempts successful; bullies select children who they judge are bullyable.  Bullies look for children who believe they can be bullied. Of course they don’t just come out and ask “How bullyable are you?”  While some bullies use a hit and miss approach to finding potential targets, others have a more sophisticated selection process.  They use information such as your child’s posture, body language, voice, eye cues and their social connectedness within the school to guess how bullyable your child is.  Then they test their selection out. Leigh, thirteen, explains how he selected his potential targets: 

“At the start of year seven I looked around for the scared, weird kids who were on their own.  The way they stood and spoke and looked told me straight away if I could bully them or not. Then I tested them out.  I would say something smart to them to see how they handled me.  The kids who backed down straight away were the ones I went after.  The ones who said stuff back to me were a maybe, depending on how they said it and if they had any mates or not.  I looked for the weird kids with no mates who just kind of shrivelled up when I tested them out”.

This is a guest post by Sue Anderson, the owner of Good2Gr8.
Since 2007 Sue Anderson has worked as a coach specializing in empowering individuals of all ages who are affected by bullying.  Her first book “Unbullyable” is due for release in February 2013.  The book is a guide for parents of bullied children, and has already attracted much attention due to it’s unique application of Neuro-Semantics to the bullying experience.  Sue is an ambassador for Brodie’s Law (the Victorian Anti-Bullying Legislation), and is passionate about getting her message out “There IS something we can do about bullying”.

Unless your child or someone who knows the situation comes right out and tells you directly, you might not know not know that your child is being bullied. But don’t panic! Around thirty percent of bullied children tell no one, and many are really, really good at keeping it a secret. Children can be very creative in hiding the fact that they are being bullied from their parents, teachers, friends and siblings.  As much as you may like to think that you would know or suspect if your child is being bullied, you might not.  This is not a reflection upon you as a parent.

You know your child better than anyone. Follow your intuition if you are suspecting that something is not right.  Unfortunately for some children, bullying has such an impact on them, they are overwhelmed, and find it hard to think logically. While most children will eventually tell an adult, some children will wait until the bullying is almost unbearable before they tell someone.  Some children wait years.  Some never tell.  Every bullied child I have worked with who initially kept it a secret from their parents has told me “I wish I had told someone sooner”.

Consider the following symptoms and behaviours that are common to bullied children that may (but not definitely) indicate that your child is being bullied.  If you already know your child is being bullied, this information will help you understand your child’s past or current behaviour.

1. Not wanting to go to school.

For obvious reasons, this is a common symptom of bullying.  Most parents instinctively know if something is NQR (not quite right) with their child, especially if their child normally enjoys school.  Children will start making lots of excuses to miss school and avoid the bully.  Some older children will wag a particular class to avoid their bully.  While avoiding the bully may seem like a workable short term solution, eventually the situation becomes too difficult for the child.  Many children want to go to school; they just don’t want to come face to face with the bully.  It’s too hard.  Your child can learn how to think about bullying so that they can continue to go to school, and even feel comfortable being in the same class as the bully.

2. Withdrawing – not wanting to socialize.

Children who are being bullied will often spend lunch time and recess trying to hang around the school office, staff room, or teachers to avoid going into the school yard.  To be seen alone at recess or lunch time can be difficult for some children, as this makes them more of a target.  Having friends is extremely important, because bullies tend to pick on ‘loners’.  Your child can learn basic social skills like walking up and joining in with a group, which is vital to decreasing your child’s likelihood of being bullied.

3. Increased Sickness.

Many children who are bullied describe being on ‘Full Alert’ at school.  They are vigilant about where the bully is at all times, as well as super conscious of how they are seen by other children.  As you can imagine, this creates a lot of tension in the body, and the resulting stress can have a negative impact on the health of the child.  Some bullied children will complain of stomach aches on school mornings – but not on weekends.  Many children who are being bullied come home from school totally exhausted, even if they were not bullied on that particular day.  Your child can learn to use physical symptoms as useful information, rather than be concerned by them.

4. Increased emotional outbursts at home.

For some children, keeping it together emotionally at school is important.

As one child described:

“I don’t want my bully to see that he is getting to me”.

Some children don’t want to show any emotions at school, but will explode in the safety of their own home.  According to one teenage girl:

“I bottle it all up at school and come home and pick a fight with my Mum so I can get it all out”.

A ten year old girl explains:

“I hold the anger in at school because if I let it out at school I will get into trouble.  At home I get into less trouble, so I scream at my little brother and my Mum.  It’s better that way”.

I’ve been privileged enough to coach both the children being bullied, and the children doing the bullying.  My style of coaching is unique in that I come from a non-judgemental stance.  To be able to coach effectively, I consider every child I work with as precious, valuable and see them as more than their behaviours.  I see the possibilities within them.  I see the goodness and the potential.  Yes – even the children doing the bullying.  Even the boy I recently coached who bashed his classmate to the point of hospitalization.  His behaviour made sense to him at the time.  Don’t get me wrong, his choice to bash his classmate was disgraceful – yet I can see he is more than his behaviours.  My job is to coach him so he can see he is more than his behaviours.  My job is to help him see the potential within him so he can choose to not bully anymore.

Coaching bullies has given me an amazing insight into their thinking styles and beliefs.  It might be hard to accept when your child is the target of the bullying behaviour – but bullies are children making really bad decisions about how they treat others (and themselves) based on their understanding of the world.  That does not excuse their behaviour or make it any less painful for you and your child.  However I believe being a bully is painful.  I have found that the thinking that leads to bullying behaviour include a lack of personal power, a negative self image, poor communication skills and general unhappiness.  I’m yet to coach a happy, confident bully who actually likes him or herself.

I am reluctant to even label these children as ‘bullies’.  In an ideal world, I would refer to a bully as ‘a child who at times engages in bullying behaviour’.  It sounds over-the-top-politically-correct I know, and would be a bit awkward, so I have used the term ‘bully’ for short.  Most children I coach start off hating the child bullying them, however it is very common, even in young children, that by the end of the coaching program the child does not hate the bully anymore, instead they develop empathy for them as they compare their future to that of the bully.  They often develop an understanding and compassion that is beyond their years.